In one door and then directly out the same door. Here today, who knows where tomorrow. Ya know, just repeating the same cycle as many times as I'll let you. Its funny that you think my heart is a revolving door and it is even funnier that I've let you.
I mean, didn't your mama ever tell you, "it's either in or out? because we're not running up this heat bill." when you were constantly coming inside to warm up from the snow for a second or two in the winter time. Only to immediately go right back out. No? well, mine did and it never made clearer sense than it does right now, because that is exactly what you feel like to me. Hot and cold on a constant loop attached to that damn lesson my mom tried to teach me.
Every time the door opens I pay the price. What the hell have I been thinking, Allowing you around the clock access to something as precious as me? You call, I answer. You text, I answer. You display availability and suddenly I am available. I played myself.
The dream you pitch every so often sounds amazing, but I didn't even ask for it so I'm not quite sure why you're selling it to me in first place. Yet here we are, again. Truly I could not even begin to tell you how we have gotten here this time, it all seems like a whirlwind. When did you even get here? I haven't spoken to you in so long. I had forgotten about you. What just happened? I'm not ready.
You and your hateful heart don't belong here.
This is not a home for the needy. This is not a home for the lonely. This is my castle, built with strong walls and nurturing arms. You're exiled. There are rules here and boundaries, they are simple and easy to abide by but you refused. Then you even refused to take any accountability for the hurt and confusion your actions may have caused. So, let me help you see yourself out, since you only try to tear me down anyways.
I hope it is cold and I hope you learn. Most importantly I hope you heal from all of those demons scratching away at your soul, making you cold. You're heartless and you're not meant to be, stupidly I wish you didn't even have to be.
My heart aches for souls like yours, capable and deserving of love but not the slightest clue of how to obtain and maintain it. Your hands tremble, your mind is weak and you fall short. Did nobody teach you better? or I am just paying for somebody else's mistake?
Farewell you Toxic gentle giant with a tainted heart, I have got to get back to washing my hands.
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