Two times too many? Whats that? Do you know, I clearly don't.
Two timing. Too passionate. Two experiences. Too many emotions to get a hold of.
I've loved you, I will always love you. I don't like you. (Big deep breath) but I've learned I don't have to like you to love you. Undeniable and Indescribable are the only words that come to mind especially when I know I only have one chance to explain "us" to people. Undeniable and Indescribable are the only words I choose to use when i'm trying to convince everyone to see past the imperfections and to have them see what I see. Undeniable and as I said Indescribable are just the words I use to describe my 2x lover.
Unfortunately right now, he is who he is and he has to grow. I have to grow. I want it to be right now, but it isn't supposed to be right now and I hate it. I hope he hates it. Regardless of my wants or capabilities, I know have to practice the art of letting go. Practice the art of accepting that what it once was, no longer is, and honestly it sucks so bad. Dude like "drop me to my knees, mascara running, I cant eat" type of hurt. But, "it is what it is" and that saying alone is so hurtful because for fucks sake I thought I gave it my all. I tried so hard, you tried so hard. I want it to work, you want it to work but, it doesn't work. I know that, you know that, so it just remains "what it is".
I think you can agree, that you're in way over your head. Losing everything you regained after losing them the first time. Feeling more isolated than ever. Wondering what to do? Just wanting to be listened to, but constantly being ignored. Your voice, constantly spoken over so you walk on eggshells. maybe you dim your light so you don't outshine them? All I can say is, Is it worth it? Are you happy? if not, how can you gain instant happiness? When was the last time you laughed freely? When was the last time you spoke of your wild imagination? when was the last time you felt safe, heard, understood?
If hearing those questions upset you, let me be the first and maybe the only apology you get. I'M SORRY.
I had to ask myself those questions once, it hurt, just as i'm sure you hurt now. Then it made sense. Only did it start making sense, once I stopped thinking about my wants and started realizing what I deserve. I think the same will happen for you.
To this day I still love him so deeply. Emotionally incapable and a little broken. He is, but he is a piece of my heart and I crave him. Selfishly I'd keep my 2x lover but I can't. 1. you cant keep the unwilling (I'm pretty sure that's illegal) 2. He will kill me if I keep him, drive me insane maybe? in a less dramatic sense. I'm not sure what would come first but i'm also not curious to find out. before you start thinking wow this is taking a dark road let me redirect. Sometimes, you just have to know when its time to walk away, time to leave something alone. When it comes back, hopefully its 10x better. If it never comes back then that's alright too. You've lived, you've learned and you have loved. Accept, Assess & Heal.
There is an entire world out there waiting for you to discover it. Re-fall in love with yourself and the mysteries of the universe and I promise, you what is meant for you will always find its way to you.
2x Lover, I wish you well.
xoxo Cait.
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