Have you ever felt like you were walking thru life backwards and blindfolded with no sense of direction? No? Maybe? Idk, Just me? cool. Anyways.
Life has always had a funny way of bringing light to certain situations. I have always found it insane how even when I feel like i'm drowning life can add all the light I need to make it back to shore safely. I have been starting to realize there is magic in life and all of its lessons, even in the midst of chaos. I have spent the majority of my life simply surviving and the moment I started "living" I realized the work had only just begun.
So, here's to 27 years of being misunderstood.
In the beginning I was misunderstood because I had so much misplaced anger, I carried it everywhere. I had to learn when and where I needed it, and with whom I should share it with. The deserving and undeserving unfortunately succumbed to my anger. I had poor communication skills and an army of brick walls protecting me. My witty sense of humor was welcoming to some and stand off-ish to others. People couldn't read me, but I could read them. I didn't care, I was safe but I was angry and still misunderstood. I'd push away then pull close, it was almost as if my life depended on it. I never let anybody too close but I would never let them too far away either. In the beginning, I was the Chaos.
Somewhere a little later in life came growth and lessons, but the type of growth that I needed to experience required lessons that would drop me to my knees. Had I known what was in store, maybe I would have enjoyed certain things more in the moment. left with only memories and the lessons, I found myself angry again. Quickly my anger turned to self pity "why me??" "why does shit like this always happen to me" "wah wah wah" because It's hard to be angry when there is no one to be angry with but yourself. I was misunderstood and I had even started misunderstanding myself. WHAT WAS HAPPENING!! Who knew? Not me. Life has bullied me in ways I'll never understand fully, but in all the ways I've ever needed. Don't worry though, a few heart breaks and a couple more lessons and I was back on the right path.
I'm learning to remove myself. To protect myself. To prioritize myself.
Putting my sanity first I have felt myself to be most misunderstood. I have noticed people do not like when you have say in how they treat you. It is often seen as controlling, but really its just damage control at most. We cannot tell people how to treat us, but we sure can correct them when they interact with us incorrectly. There's a fine line though and its hard to see, so tread lightly.
I've been living my life looking to be understood. I wanted people to understand why I am the way I am because I take the time to understand people. to study them, to read them to figure them out, but then I make grave mistakes. I try to make them see, to make them understand. Blindly I was dragging people thru lessons they weren't ready for. My being worried about others understandings has only limited mine entirely and taken some of the best things from my life. With a clear mind I now know I can live life misunderstood as long as I always understand what I am doing and why. So, cheers to 27 years of being misunderstood, but here's to the rest of my life and self understanding.
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