Deprived of the power of sensation, I feel nothing.
Dying on the inside, alive in real life, and still I feel nothing. Traumatic life events introduced numbness to me and, I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean who is really best off? the one who feels nothing, or the one who feels everything so deeply? I used to feel everything, deep and to my core. Joy would radiate around me when I was happy while sadness would seep thru my ocean blue eyes when I was sad, that all seems overwhelming now.
Numbness is just as confusing. I feel nothing, but that dull lingering sting. So, I mean I guess I do feel something its just not deep anymore. I feel numb, and It feels hollow and empty, like nothing. Numb feels like memory loss. Numbness makes it so you think you feel nothing while you're actually feeling everything, without having the ability to make it make sense. It is as though my brain goes into overdrive when I start to feel. I trick my body into going numb, then it scrambles my brain and I get to momentarily forget what put my entire being into defense mode in the first place.
Silly, isn't it? It is sorta like brushing all your mess under a rug and hoping you'll never be able to see it, its unrealistic. I know that i'm meant to feel, to process, to break, to heal, to laugh and cry. I know there are seasons meant for joy and seasons that are meant for pain. I know that the pain will provoke growth and the season of joy is there to remind me that nothing lasts forever, both good and bad. So why did I allow myself to become numb?
Life, and life events, that is why and that is how. Sometimes it is easier to brush things under the rug and come back to clean it all up when you're in a better place. Sometimes you have to feel nothing in situations to feel it all out later, when you have some understanding to go along with those deep rooted emotions. did ya'll know..
emotions - understanding = recipe for disaster.
I learned that the hard way, so i'll remember it always. Having been both numb and emotional I would have to say neither one is "best off" but a nice balance of both would be better off and that's what I'm striving for. I wont let life make me numb, and you shouldn't let life make you numb either Because there is going to be a time where we want to feel something and we wont know how.
So C'mon lets move that rug and sort out our shit and feel a little, we're built for this.
xoxo Cait
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