"I'll take that"
No, seriously.. that's "perfect", I'll take it. I mean who doesn't love a nice fixer upper right? At least, that's what we all say.. Until perhaps we find ourselves in situations way over our head. Lost in dark places where the broken mess consumes us.
Oddly in love with dysfunction, I am. Attached to broken people, I am.
Drawn in by broken items, I am.
However, what the hell is "broken" anyways? and how can something that's already broken break me too???? Make it make sense please!
"The chaos has left me feeling unpredictable" I scream, as I pick up all the pieces again. I bitch every step of the way, yet every step I take is unknowingly a step toward "fixing" it again. Why do I eventually get tired of fixing material belongings and buy new ones yet, Ill run back to fix you every time? Why must I find such Beauty In Your Broken?
My friends don't understand my deep connection with you, Actually every person I tell about you is quick to tell me to leave, without even giving me a chance to explain why it is seriously so hard for me to do. Nobody understands why I waste my time.. I mean with all that I have to offer I don't even really understand why anymore. The giving and hardly ever getting has left me starved of everything I know I am worthy of. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. Now that I think of it, it never actually made any real sense anyways.
So Congratulations! Are you happy? did you get what you wanted? I didn't. I just wanted to love you.. and for fucks sake, you broke me. You broken thing you fucking broke me. Whats worse is that you did it not once, not twice, but several and all because I let you. I allowed my desire to fix every broken thing about you distract me from the home repairs I needed for myself. I did not make sure to protect myself from your disastrous behavior and I forgot just how dangerous the highs and the lows of your love are.
I am angry. Angry with you, and with me, although I know my anger only comes from the stupidity of dragging myself through this again. Knowing that you are and always have been a disservice to me. From the moment I took you on I knew, I just didn't care. I wish that mattered to you. I wish you could have understood just how far I would have gone for you. I let myself get lost in your dysfunction and I would do it again. Call it my toxic trait, but there's just something about you and all the chaos that surrounds you.
Like this again though, I Could never.
You got some fixing to do kid and Its time now for me to stop being a disservice to you. I have enabled your behavior for far too long and i'm aware that in the long run that is going to hurt you too, just in a different way. So, i'm sorry for that. You don't have to worry though. I would never abandon you, I'll still be here. Silently cheering you on. Hoping you never forget that there really is so much beauty in your broken, So many stories to go along with each scar.
None the less, I bet there is even more beauty in your growth. So c'mon follow my lead, let us both find the beauty in healing. Let us learn hard work and dedication. Let us pour the love we so desperately want into ourselves. Let us reintroduce ourselves as whole again. With tape, and glue and bandages Or a wall whatever it is you need I hope you can heal. You deserve to heal, you broken human.
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