I, (along with many i'm sure) laugh when I see those Instagram memes talking about "people are going to go into PTSD fits whenever they hear "2020" hahahahahah" & there's the blurry picture of somebody in clear panic attached to it. Seriously, it's hilarious. My first thought when I really stop and think about it all though is like . . WHAT (pause) IN (pause) THE (nervously looking around) FUCKKKKK (intense eye roll) & like I know it seems really dramatic the way i'm explaining this to you, but just hear me out. Ok? 2020 has been insane! Unfortunately I ended the year 2019 newly diagnosed with stage III colon cancer. I didn't think any of that was really going to matter much in 2020 though, and I know it sounds silly but it's the truth. I had my little surgery, they took out the tumor and BOOM, I was cured. (in my brain at least) You can ask any one of my friends though, that diagnosis didn't make me skip a beat. I was back at work 4 days after my surgery, I would go to work, leave for chemotherapy for 5 hours, then go back to work. I would work extra, even on the days nausea was kicking my ass. It was all mind over matter. I'm stubborn, it didn't phase me. Well wait a second, I'm all about honesty so like let me keep it real, it did, but not enough to stop me from living my life. . I mean, I AM only 26 years old. Cancer or not, but whatever, let's fast forward a little. Now were like 4 Chemo therapy treatments in. Right around the holidays, AMAZING!! Everything is starting to look up, I'm even considering eating Kraft Easy Mac n' cheese again (if you know, you know.) Chemotherapy was put on hold for the holidays (Holla!!!) I was able to enjoy almost 5 solid weeks nausea free feeling like my old self, I was hopeful. This feeling carried into 2020, NYE was so perfect all of my favorite people in my home, welcomed with food, drinks and mad love we played games, we danced, we laughed & we reminisced. Who the hell would have thought just a few short weeks later everything else would start changing?? Certainly I didn't. I remember hearing "Corona Virus" or "covid19" here and there, but never really paid too much mind to it because, I'm a millennial. I don't have cable. I haven't seen the news & like c'mon If it hasn't made it to Facebook yet, it cant possibly be real. . . Right?? hahaha, NO. so wrong. I was so wrong. Apparently the virus is real, very real. It is stealing lives, whole lives, actual lives of people who were somebody. Who very well could have been everything to at least somebody. As I type that statement it, makes me hate my selfish ass even more for ever feeling like my world was ending in 2020. Things just simply weren't going my way or the way I imagined. I am flawed though, I am human and I will admit to you that 2020 & the end of '19 have caused me to throw some of the most historical adult temper tantrums of all times. (sorry again to anybody who has had to deal with hangry Caitlin, ya'll deserve an award) But seriously, WTF. Everything seems so small when you remember that at least you had the opportunity to wake up today. The world seems to be standing still. My hands remain Idle, but I have learned that standing still and slowing down isn't a curse, it is a blessing. It is all about perception. My step dad's famous line for me when I was growing up while he was mocking me during my melt downs was "Pity party for Caitlin" (as he'd fake cry) and i'm starting to realize, that a lot of us are doing just that. We're throwing ourselves pity parties mourning everything we've lost materialistically instead of being grateful that we have not lost anything that we can never get back. SO, no.
I do not believe the world is ending. (even though i'm a professional zombie slayer ill keep that skill set locked up a little longer.) I do however think this is the beginning of a new world, A kinder world. A more understanding world, if we all do our part. I hope we can let all this chaos be a reminder to us that life is short and we should live freely, love hard & laugh harder. But most importantly 2020 for me, will always be a reminder that even when I think I have it bad, there is always worse. Life has a funny way of making sure you count your blessings you know.
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