Chaos with Cait

The unknown lures me, because it is the only place I still feel infinite.

One day, I will look back at the ruin and understand the trembling was not my breaking, it was the ghost of the person I had to leave behind.

My attitude is vicious, it bites, barks and leaves people all scarred. I wish it wasn’t this way. However, I do not trust easily and on normal days I am still in pain. I struggle to let you close to me, I snip at your hand the moment it reaches out. Don’t see me. Please ignore me. Maybe hug me. Offer me condolences as I put myself back together in this cold world. It’s not personal, it’s simply the only way I’ve learned to protect me, and keep myself somewhat whole.

Perhaps readiness is only the courage to stay open. Even when the wind is carrying uncertainty, and damaged debris from a past still passing through.

My patience these days is non existent. I’m easily irritated by microscopic things. Maybe I am overwhelmed. Maybe I feel unsettled. Maybe I’ve just had enough. Maybe I just can’t find my footing. I am not sure what the source is really. And yet, here I am with little to no patience left to give.

I remember the days when I knew so much about you, your inner world and the pieces of you few others knew. I remember the days we used to speak from sun up to sun down. I remember feeling so close to you, I could have been a part of your own skin.

I used to want people to understand me like so badly. Not anymore. Somewhere along the way I simply stopped caring and completely embodied the version of myself that cannot please everybody. Thankfully.