Chaos with Cait

I am always unsure. Where should I go? What should I do? Will this work? Is this worth it? Are they being genuine? Can I do this? Will I make it? Do I want this? Should I take a risk? Maybe I play it small? I never know, and I am learning that perhaps I don’t want to know. I want to move through life inspired and uncertain. So dedicated to my vision that all of the small shit fades into the background. Free from expectation, my own and others. Willing to wander, take risks an

I walk into the cancer center like a celebrity. “Hey miss girl!” They all scream to me. So, I wave and smile, I smile and wave almost instinctively.

You look at me like I am a map that you do not know how to read. But I wonder what would happen if you stopped trying to read me and chose to explore me instead.

My soul reaches out with open palms and a hopeful heart, waiting for someone to recognize the gentle shape of how I am built. Not to change its edges or ask it to become something easier to hold but to see the quiet light it has always carried, and meet it with hands that never mistake softness for weakness. To be known without making myself less, and loved in the language I have always spoken.

I like to watch the leaves escape the grasp of tree branches in autumn. I adore the colors. All different, dead yet somehow still vibrant. I enjoy the sound they make as they rustle through the wind. It is almost like they are guiding the way for me to begin again.

Most people dream of winning millions of dollars or getting their hands on a million and one luxury items like a yacht or a fancy car or a huge and pointless house. I however only dream of a regulated nervous system, and a good night of peaceful sleep.

I am like a cactus prickly. I do not want you too close near me.