Chaos with Cait

I have been working on healing, my angry and judgmental heart.

For years, my words have felt like darkness. I have been drowning daily, in my own thoughts. Every poem, every word I have shared, has carried since type of sorrow. I have wrestled with my own mind just to be able to gather a clear thought long enough to put it on a page. I have written about grief and hurt, pain and loss. I have shared my deepest fears, and the worries that keep my eyelids peeled open at night. I have struggled with feeling swallowed whole by the voids that

Cancer comes back like a truck slamming through the windows of your favorite coffee shop. The doctor says the words, and the air folds in on itself. Silence and stillness becomes my initial reaction. I sit there, nodding like I understand, but all I hear is the replaying of six years unraveling. Twenty six to thirty two, where a lifetime was spent learning how to live with ghosts. I thought I had earned my peace. I thought remission meant the war was over. But here I am again

Every glance of hers a fire starter. She is the heat. All spark, soft skin, and flame. She’ll drive you crazy, and leave smoke in your lungs. Still, you’ll crave the warmth of getting too close.

Saying yes to me meant setting fire to every version of myself that the world built for me.

I took my last anxiety medicine today. I have an appointment scheduled with a new psychiatrist for friday. But, when I was filling out the paperwork on the app for the virtual meeting, the last page didn’t work, or I wasn’t putting in the right information? So, I don’t know if they accepted it, or if I still have more to finish… -that was my anxiety texting. She wasn’t done. I should have let her finish. I should have encouraged her, to spill all that she was thinking. But, I

I have lost my sparkle. I have misplaced my shine. Somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling like mine. There are too many days I barely recognize my mind. I am searching for the girl I was, and wondering where she hides.